I’ve been noticing a lot of things lately that seem to be influencing a writer’s path in my life. I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I’m meant to seriously pursue this option since I’m having such a difficult time finding work. I mean it’s not like I have anything better to do. I would really like to become a best selling novelist one day, to be able to work from home on my own schedule.
If I want it so why haven’t I taken hold of it like anything else I’ve sought to do with my life. Why haven’t I thrown myself 200% into this project? I find myself using any excuse to not write, to not draw. I have to admit writing a novel is rather daunting, and like my artwork, I’m never happy with what I produce. I have high expectations of myself and I plan on delivering.
I’d like to make a promise to myself – to say that “From here on out I am committed to seeing this project through in the next few months. That by the end of (insert date here) I will have a publishable Novel.” But I can’t stand the idea of letting myself down … again. Two years have gone by and very little has been accomplished for some reason or another. Excuses and I know it. I think that’s the part that kills me. I KNOW it’s an excuse. I KNOW that I can do this.
Anyway, like I said with the difficulty of getting work, any work at all, it just doesn’t seem worth the effort and the misery. A nice steady pay cheque would be nice, but at what cost? My former company treated me like I owed them, told me that I was easily replaceable and refused to pay me a fair wage. Any other job locally – refuses to pay above minimum wage anyway, so why bother?
I leave at the end of September beginning of October, at the very latest. So I have 5 Months left, a waste of a Visa and $1000 in my opinion. This leaves me feeling very bitter about the no job thing again. At least with a job I’d have peace of mind and I could fulfill one of my life goals.
Enough running around in circles about life circumstances. We both know that I’ll look for work diligently regardless of my progress here. Though as I write this entry, I feel like I’m literally tearing myself apart; forcing myself to go in two very different directions.
In regards to the book, as I recall I was torn about re-writing or carrying on from where I left off. I’ve decided to do the re-write. I have to change too many elements anyway. So off to work for now and maybe if I can keep my head held high and allow some creative flow to surface I might actually get to finish this by the end of the month. Yeah I’ll still try. That’s only 11,000 words… not enough for a full novel. Maybe I should try harder. I’d need to write 7000 words a day. At this time that’s 14hrs @ 500 words an hour. That blows. Serves me right for procrastinating I suppose. Come on flow!!!
